Running and Grief

It is not a secret to say that I love running. I particularly enjoy running in the hills. When life gets tough taking to hills banishes worries and concerns. The effort involved in getting to the top of the hill forces those worries to the back of your mind whilst your body concentrates on the job in hand. It is almost two years since Alistair died and the last two years have been a real struggle.

Those who know me well know that I have a game face. That game face is the product of many years of running long distances. Tracey knows that game face well, she saw it time and time again in Kielder. That face which covers all the struggles, pain, moments of doubt,weakness. Those who join me in running ridiculous miles will have that same game face. If you give in around 20 miles on a 30 mile run you stop, simple as that. I have been using that game face for two years. Sometimes I can't and it takes me a moment or two to regain it but on the whole it's there. This last week or so finding my game face has become harder. I read an article which said that when the condolences end the world sees you return to normal, regain weight, return to work, make new friends, take up new hobbies but the life of a widow never ends. Every day something happens that reminds you. The challenge is to not let that define you. Grief affects us all in very different ways and how we deal with that grief is a very personal thing. It can drive some people crazy, make others cry, make others change themselves radically. Mine is to run. To enjoy the world outside my door.

Alfred Wainwright said, in Memoirs of a Fellwalker:

"Louis Armstong used to tell us that this is a wonderful world. He was right. We should all be joyously happy. All around us, or within each reach, are Nature's exquisite pageants in a country meadow, lovely trees where birds sing, chuckling streams winding the tapestries of enchanting valleys below the colourful backcloth of hills. There is beauty everywhere...."

I had forgotten this for a while. I haven't been running much recently, mostly because life has just been tough. This week life just swamped me, I think the realisation that in a few short weeks I will have been a widow for 2 years. It's not long but has felt like a lifetime. It is hard bringing up a family in those circumstances, finding out who you are as a widow. I am normally a hugely positive person but have of recent lost that positivity. As a result I have been signed off my work for a few weeks. Life just became too stressful. So what to do? Nothing else for it, go outside and run.

I am now writing this with legs which are tingling with the effort of having run up a hill, twice in the same week! It feels fabulous. I can feel that positivity creeping back in. I need to take the time to recoup and recover. 

Lots of people have been there on and off during the last two years but there are a few friends who I couldn't have done without. Tracey, Hazel, Mark and Cathy have been constantly there to listen to me, let me cry, let me shout, rant, hug me when I needed it, give me advice and a damn good talking to when I need it (to be fair that is usually just Tracey). And again this week those people have all been there to support me. I will forever be grateful for that support. I have a great family also supporting Andy, Rhona and I and I love them for it. But it is only me who can make me feel better. So I am starting with getting back to the hills. To find what AW talked about in his books.

So this week I have been up Caerketton with my wee pal Kobi.

And today I took myself up to Flotterstone in Ally Bally and ran 5 miles. I am starting to feel better. Running really is medicine for the soul.

November and there are still brambles. I ran up this wee hill to get up to see the view of the Glen, well worth the hard work. 

 A bit further up the road I reached the top of end of the first reservoir. All of the stones and grass in the background should actually be under water, with all that rain the last few days, why is the reservoir so low? Beautiful colours all around.

Just as I turned to come back down the hill the sun came out from behind the wintry clouds and shone bright over the top of Carnethy. Stunning.

Feeling loads more relaxed I made it back down the hill to Ally Bally. Today's view from the van door. Gorgeous.

Ally Bally is probably one of the best running gadgets I own. Not only does he provide a dry place to get changed but can make tea too!!! Perfect pal to have.

My Doctor said several things to me about giving myself time to grieve in the right way for me. Mostly about eating healthily, taking time to think, taking exercise and spending lots of time outside during the winter months. All of that can be tackled by going for a run. A long run up a hill. The last thing my Doctor left me with was this "Live in the now". As I was running up (well staggering up) the steep hill to take in the view of the Glen I suddenly realised I was living in the now. All I was thinking about was getting to the top of that hill to see the view. Nothing else was in my mind. I am not sure I can find that level of mindfulness any other time in my life. So I have to keep running up hills.

Next big running challenge is a return to the Kielder Ultra 50K in April. This is the official start to my training for that. I will keep you all posted with regular blog updates. 

don't worry, be happy.